This was a really inspiring interview to listen to. In it this brother talks about healing, fatherhood, being a son, hurting, opening up to his emotions, and teaching young men of color to be open to their feelings. I realized I’d seen videos of him and his students in a dojo as he teaches martial arts. But, I’d forgotten about the emotional healing he teaches as well. Def worth a listen!
Twist and bend!
I forgot how much you have to twist, turn, and bend to care for little people. Sometimes that is because they cannot move on their own and need your help to get that bottle, nipple, snack, or to burp. I started to remember that certain parts or sides of my body got a lot of use to hold my daughter and my son. When my son was born I actually started stretching regularly because my back got sore from picking him up or holding him. I’m better at it now, but I still feel it now with the new baby.
The other side of twisting and bending is the manipulation of your own body to catch them so they don’t fall. It’s the twist to get their shoes on or their diapers off. It’s also the movement and turning to feed them. It’s really funny to see them squirm and turn away when begin to do it. Then, its like bending and twisting to get them to eat. Some. Thing! How many of you are going through this or remember what it was like? I hope you and your body get some rest this year! If anything this teaches us to be flexible, no?
Repeat because kid is tuned out, eat chips for dinner, don’t notice me, littlest effort as possible
Ok with my teen there are a different set of challenges and I would wager to say that this ranges from kid to kid and in no way represents teens. What’s up with mine? He is excelling in school and shared a moment that made me proud. I’ll come back to that.
Repeat, force,
Lately the challenge has been repeating myself and getting him to listen. I think this is a really tough time because with my teen he’s big! But he’s still a kid so I have to remind him to do things like be quiet so his sister can nap, close the bathroom door so she doesn’t throw stuff into the toilet, etc. Beyond that its the normal stuff like washing dishes, greeting people, and the almighty screens. I have relaxed my rules on screens but I still feel like they still need guidance. It is so easy to spend an entire day staring at one as we as adults know this. It’s also easy to forget about real life friends, nature, going to events, and socializing. And I feel like I have to keep trying to reinforce this. Even if it means I am not his favorite person because I made him go outside.
What else? I’m noticing just how much responsibility and pressure is placed on girls and young women versus the freedom to chill and just play that boys have. This is a broad generalization but I see things my mom or family let me do like waiting to make plans, not cooking, or not planning. Planning is such a big one. So, while I don’t want to force him to do too much before he’s ready I am encouraging him to make plans ahead of time and trying to teach him to cook because he’d eat an entire bag of chips for dinner if I let him.
One things for sure, big brother loves little sister and she is fascinated by him.
That’s it. What parenting things are happening for you? Fails and triumphs welcome.
Daddy thoughts 18- Reset button
Starting over:
As a new dad again I feel in some ways like I’m starting over. I have a lot of knowledge and experience but also so much to learn still and the feels rather humbling. I did not intend to have such a big break in between children but life had other plans. After my son’s mother and I split I realized I needed to date as an adult. I needed to go out and experience some things I hadn’t as a young father. When I had my son I was only 24 years old. I was a boy myself! Now I’m a grown man with a newborn and a teenager. And this time although I don’t own a home or have all of my finances worked out I feel like I know what to do.
Girl colors:
My daughter’s personality is different from my son’s of course. He was often very serious as a baby unless you tickled him. And my daughter smiles all the time. One thing I’ve noticed again which I’m sorry to say is still such as thing is gendered colors. It is almost automatic to get clothes that are pink. Pink is a beautiful color but it sucks that this is the only marker that says female child. Why can’t boys wear pink? I dress my daughter in all sorts of colors and have asked many relatives not to buy her pink clothes. I . don’t hate the color. Just the idea that it means “girl” to folks. It’s funny, often times I dress her in grey’s and people will say “he’s” so handsome or cute. Sometimes I correct them, and sometimes I marvel at how engrained we all are. Me included.
New parental improvements:
There are some new parental improvements that I see. For one, all of the clothes I remember had plain colors or one loud image on them like a car or a pony. Now, I see much more variety in children’s clothing. My wife and I have been blessed to get lots of hand me downs from friends, my god daughter, and other kids. And I see a huge improvement in kids clothing styles. Not only that, but diaper bags, bibs, place mats, etc all have gotten stylistically much better looking. The strollers are more hardcore. I remember the fancy off road strollers that you often see parents pushing and running with were astronomically expensive. There still are pricy strollers, but some of the advancements have been made more affordable. One thing tat is slightly better but still needs improvements are changing tables in men’s bathrooms. When my son was a baby I always had a tough time trying to find a changing table in the bathroom. Often , I’d find a corner and change him on the floor.
Staying home:
Right now, I am the stay at home dad. I work as a freelancer so I would be at home anyway. But my wife went back to work and is the breadwinner for our family. I feel happy to be able to take care of my daughter and record her new tricks for Mama. But, I also wish I made more money so my wife could stay home with her. Either way, it has meant more than just caring for our daughter. It has meant trying to have dinner ready, wash the mountains of kid laundry, or clean up the whirlwind of our house. All stuff women have done for ages.
Memory:
I’ve found that there are certain memories that come back to me about my son when he was a baby. The things he used to do. And so many times I cannot remember a certain thing he did or said and that frustrates the hell out of me. I wish my memory was better.
Anyways, thats it for now. Just some reflections on being a dad again. If you missed it, I got to speak with a dad on this podcast! Stay tuned….
Previous post: Brand new daughter
Where all my father’s that dig at? This is a scene from my book Furqan’s First Flat Top. Had to put that in the book because I love music and records. I grew up with them and I plan to pass them on to my son some day.
Just wanted to remind folks that its record store day and to go support your local record store by buying vinyl, tapes, cd’s whatever you can still play in your home or car. If you’re in the Bay Area here are some spots I recommend:
Amoeba Records – Berkeley & SF
Down Home Records – El Cerrito
Green Apple Books – SF
Grooves- SF
Half Price Books – Berkeley
Park Blvd Records & Tapes- Oakland
Rasputin’s- Fairfield & Berkeley
Streetlight Records- San Jose
This is a really touching video, so inspiring to see. Great to see groups like this, Fathers Incorporated (ATL), Black Men Smile(ATL), Fathers Corps (Bay Area), and others doing the work.
Side note: Lately this child has been a human tape recorder, pausing and
replaying things. Rewinding and repeating phrases and sounds. From old vine and
You-Tube videos, commercials, to black musicians’ declarations appropriated by
the internet. He’ll say the same phrase over and over again until I have to say
in Spanish “stop”, ”no more”, “enough”! Lord knows I hate to crush the boy’s creativity
but sometimes I need quiet. Strangely enough when they leave you, you find
yourself saying the very things that annoyed you or longing for their voice.
Preview Trailer – “Divided Time” from Will F on Vimeo.
Just watched this great documentary in Oakland yesterday at the 7th annual “Fist Up Film Festival”