me too Tag

Daddy thoughts 15 – Me too/ Patriarchy

Ok, got to get some stuff off of my chest. My name
is Robert Liu-Trujillo. I’m a 38 year old cis-gender man, husband, father, and I’ve been writing about my experience as a Dad
/parent for several years now (My son is 13). The mistakes, the screw ups, the great times,
and more. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately , but that Junot article
recently made me think I should share this. I’ve spoken to my son about
consent, sex, and respecting women and this will be an on-going conversation. I
also spoke to my wife about the sadness this experience brings up for me and
for male dominance/ patriarchy that is in me and others. I am complicit and have played a part in it.

Ever since the “MeToo” movement started I have been reading
articles, testimonies, and experiences. I have been denouncing things on social
media here and there and having an on going conversation with my wife and my
son. I have been battling with the thought that I am not free from this
criticism. As much as I’d like to be forgiven (selfish) for behavior that is
what women are calling out, it is not about me. It’s
about changing how people treat one another, specifically how men and boys treat women an/or female identifying folks. Its about teaching
my son and the next generation that consent, respect, and standing up for women is hella important. And if young boys
don’t hear it from us they’ll think it doesn’t matter and that if the person in
question is not their girl,mom, or sister, they don’t matter.  This is about harassment by words,
touching, violent behavior with words or domestic abuse, rape, abuse of power,
and saying nothing when someone else does this.

So here are a couple of experiences.

As a boy, maybe 9 or 10, I listened to a much older group of
men (some family, some not) talk about a time when they were out drinking,
hanging out with girls. Partying, all that. They described getting so faded
that some of them passed out and some went home. Some of the girls stayed with
them at their spot or hotel (can’t remember) and some went home. One of the
dudes describes how the next morning a girl says to him “did you penetrate (&*%#) me last
night?”. He laughs, pauses and says no. She then says why is my vagina (&*$%^) sore
then?” and all the guys start laughing, cracking up. I don’t remember laughing. I was
trying to put two and two together because although I was taught about sex from
a very early age I hadn’t had any very few sexual experiences. I understood that this was wrong. I didn’t know if the girl in question was
his girlfriend or not, if they did that regularly or not, etc.  But that does not matter. I just
remember thinking, that’s fucked up. It sounds like rape. I wish I as a child
had the courage and the words to say “fuck that, that is wrong!.” But I just
stood there (Enabling or approving of behavior can be silent). I have not
heard another guy say this to me as an adult or an adolescent but I’m pretty
sure some guys have said this and this is a point where we can say, “NO, what you’re
saying or doing is wrong”. It ain’t about “if that was my sister, or mom, or
cousin I’d…..”. No it’s about all women. ALL women and female indentifying
people. All of them deserve to be treated with respect. Guys, what do you think about this? Be

Now, something I did as a 20 something. I once went home
with a young woman. We hung out, talked, and I told her I was attracted to her
and that I liked her. I was super nervous, she probably was too. She told me
she liked me as well. We kissed and made out. At the end of the night we had
sex, protected. We even had sex again on another day after this encounter. But,
in looking at what women and some men are saying about honest self-reflection,
and self-criticism I don’t think she enjoyed it. And I don’t mean, having an
orgasm (Guys often cum, she sometimes cum’s) . I mean, the first time she “allowed”
me to. And to be straight up I’ve heard a lot of women say that they have done
this too. Allowed. Either, because they felt pressured to, they feared for
their safety, embarrassed, or some other reason. Now, I did not threaten her
physically or verbally, or try to embarrass her but I think she felt pressured by me. The second time
we had sex (after that) she wanted to know what we “were” (relationship?) and was clearly
interested in more than just sex. I had just recently gotten out of a long
relationship and told her that after thinking about it; I enjoyed time with her
but just wanted to remain friends. And we did, we corresponded as friends
after. But, in thinking about
consent, reading body language, and just taking things slower for christ’s sake
I regret doing that. That’s some punk ass shit if I’m being honest with myself.
I did that. Guys, have you done this? Be honest. 
Edit: June 2018- I’ve since spoken to this young lady and apologized. She did not feel it was warranted or necessary, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I wished I’d have taken things slower, done thing differently. 

Ever since the call outs began I found myself really happy
that it was happening and I also started to critique myself. How have I
contributed to this behavior women and female identifying folks are coming
forward with? How have I done something fucked up? How can I make it better? In
the past, if I did something knowingly I apologized to that person and tried to
right that wrong by reflecting on it and trying to change my behavior. But I’m asking
boys, guys, and myself to reflect on what women and female indentified folks
are saying. And inspect your own behavior, not only towards women but towards other men and boys (whole other part of this conversation) I believe the calls of Me Too
whether you believe they are serious or trivial are all relevant and that we as
guys, boys, or male identified persons need to be introspective. We need to
take it in and honestly think about it and how we may have contributed.

Women are speaking up and we
need to listen and we (I) need to unlearn any patriarchal, macho, male
dominant, dismissive behavior and teach both our sons, daughters, and gender non conforming kids to call it out. It is oppressive and unhealthy for people of all
genders and for the next generation. In speaking to guys or boys – I’m talking about self
proclaimed nice guys, jerks, allies, women haters, authors, husbands, boyfriends,
brothers, movie studio owners, rappers, actors, business men, students, to the
damn president of the United States. Are you paying attention? Can you call it
out in you and others? What has struck a cord with you?

Guys, there has been a lot of women who’ve come forward and shared a story. Who do you know who is male who has come
forward sharing theirs in some way who is a guy/male? I will read it and read it with my son. I think
we have only just begun to see the stories and that although it may be
uncomfortable it is necessary. And my next question is one many women have been asking, once folks have come
forward and shared all of it, how do we heal from this? Do we throw these men away? Do we call them in? Thoughts?

If you haven’t seen these films yet guys check em out and study them. I’m in them. We are in them.
-Beyond Beats and Rhymes
The Feminist on Block Y
-I also heard “The Mask you live in”  is a good flick too