Coming at the ends of this month I’ll be talking with some educators and parents for the Black Teachers Project. We’ll be talking about parenting during a pandemic and other tings. Tune in.
If you’re not familiar with BTP, check out this video
I just woke up from yet another dream that me and my teen were arguing about something. You see, I have some righteous (or so I think) concerns for my boy. One, bee a critical thinker. So, both me, my wife, and his mom often engage him in discussions about race, politics, class, gender, so many things. If I’m being honest though, part of it is because I grew up talking that way with my parents and I’m familiar wit it. I do truly hope that from his family het gets points of views that are different than what main stream movies, media, etc are saying. And I’ve told him I don’t want you to think like me, I want you to take what Im saying and form your own opinion. Having an informed opinion is important, i think.
Two. I really want him to know what it means to work hard and sometimes this desire overlooks the hard work he does do and the fact that the nature of work is changing. I’ve had him cleaning the bathroom, the living room, his room, doing his laundry, taking out the trash, I’ve given him jobs where he can earn money or pay me back for something I bought that he wanted. But sometimes, I can be a little too pushy and demanding. And I’m trying to do better. He sometimes bitches or moans at some extras I make him do and I have to remind myself I did too when I was a kid.
Three. I want him to choose a path forward (after high school) that he’s passionate about. I know at times he’d rather just play video games and stay in his room. And sometimes I forget what it was like to be a teenager and press upon him, adding to the pressure he must feel from all of us and all of it. I don’t want him to serve the system of exploiting people though. I’ve been very vocal about that. Be aware of this or that, challenge this or that. But even I get bored of hearing myself repeat things so I know he must.
I haven’t been complete drill sergeant or a stoic figure who expresses little emotion, comfort, or love. But I have to remind myself to not get too angry when he refuses, gets annoyed, pulls away, or resists; and tell him. Tell him I’m proud of him, that I care for him and that I love him. I want to dismiss the myth that all teenagers are jerks, because they’re not. I do believe they are going through a lot during those years. I remember hormones raging, feeling self conscious, afraid to speak up, and just wanting nothing more than to hang out with my friends, my guys, to laugh, have fun, and make and see dope art in the form of music, graffiti, djing, paintings, so many things. I remember short answers with my parents and just wanting my own space to be free of rules and responsibilities. So I get it. I have to confess that I have let my frustration at perceived inaction get to me at times, and I’m trying to listen. That is ultimately what my dream was about. Forcing him to do something, and instead listening to him tell me how and when he wanted to deal with it. The issue I was mad about was not big, his words were/are.
Ooh, my toddler is awake and she’s demanding attention. If you’re a parent who’s been there or afraid of going there, what are your thoughts or advice? Like when do they start eating breakfast again, lol.
Take for example my baby girl who is now 20 months old. From the time she was born up until about the age of 1 I stayed home to care for her while Mama worked. Of course I still worked doing what I could at night, in between naps, etc. But she is a fully formed toddler now, asking for things, expressing happiness and discontent. She walks, runs, eats food and spits it out. I thought at the beginning of this year I’m about to make all kinds of new projects in addition to client work, but with childcare closed and our family distancing the time to create and work was cut in half. We’re blessed though, making it work. Me and Mama take turns from 8am-5pm. I’m on morning shift, Mama’s on afternoon. Trying to work and care for bebe girl has lead to some hilarious moments. Especially since we’re potty training. The other day I was answering emails, watching my girl like a hawk for any sign that she might go pee (she had no pants for the first 10 days), all the while making lunch for me and my wife.happened the other day. And as soon as I look away to turn down the stove, season that, she pooped. Haha, right in the middle of the kitchen. So I took a breath, cleaned her, the poop, the floor, my hands, and proceeded to make lunch.
But for my teen, I can’t imagine how hard it is. I talk to him regularly and ask him how he’s doing. I make sure to check on him and he’s in good hands with his Mami. But, leaving the normalcy of the last 12-13 years of seeing other children in school came to a screeching halt. Sure, there’s so much that happens nw days over text. I know kids message each other sometimes more than they see one another and that he plays video games and talks to friends via games. But, it is still quite anxiety inducing; this whole culture. I’m lucky he still opens up and shares what makes him happy. We’ve got a book club going on where we read together. And I try to honestly check out some of the things he shares with me even if I don’t understand. And despite all this, he’s still doing great on his assigned work. I’m just glad its not his graduating year, or the prom he’s missing. I do wish I could encourage him to have his friends over though. Maybe in a few months, I hope.
Me, I’m tired, horny, feeling a bit overwhelmed at times, hungry, contemplative, robotic, and blessed all at the same time. Give thanks that I still have a roof and that there are so many stepping up. Thats it for today.
Here’s the last Daddy Thought-Twist and Repeat
Twist and bend!
I forgot how much you have to twist, turn, and bend to care for little people. Sometimes that is because they cannot move on their own and need your help to get that bottle, nipple, snack, or to burp. I started to remember that certain parts or sides of my body got a lot of use to hold my daughter and my son. When my son was born I actually started stretching regularly because my back got sore from picking him up or holding him. I’m better at it now, but I still feel it now with the new baby.
The other side of twisting and bending is the manipulation of your own body to catch them so they don’t fall. It’s the twist to get their shoes on or their diapers off. It’s also the movement and turning to feed them. It’s really funny to see them squirm and turn away when begin to do it. Then, its like bending and twisting to get them to eat. Some. Thing! How many of you are going through this or remember what it was like? I hope you and your body get some rest this year! If anything this teaches us to be flexible, no?
Repeat because kid is tuned out, eat chips for dinner, don’t notice me, littlest effort as possible
Ok with my teen there are a different set of challenges and I would wager to say that this ranges from kid to kid and in no way represents teens. What’s up with mine? He is excelling in school and shared a moment that made me proud. I’ll come back to that.
Repeat, force,
Lately the challenge has been repeating myself and getting him to listen. I think this is a really tough time because with my teen he’s big! But he’s still a kid so I have to remind him to do things like be quiet so his sister can nap, close the bathroom door so she doesn’t throw stuff into the toilet, etc. Beyond that its the normal stuff like washing dishes, greeting people, and the almighty screens. I have relaxed my rules on screens but I still feel like they still need guidance. It is so easy to spend an entire day staring at one as we as adults know this. It’s also easy to forget about real life friends, nature, going to events, and socializing. And I feel like I have to keep trying to reinforce this. Even if it means I am not his favorite person because I made him go outside.
What else? I’m noticing just how much responsibility and pressure is placed on girls and young women versus the freedom to chill and just play that boys have. This is a broad generalization but I see things my mom or family let me do like waiting to make plans, not cooking, or not planning. Planning is such a big one. So, while I don’t want to force him to do too much before he’s ready I am encouraging him to make plans ahead of time and trying to teach him to cook because he’d eat an entire bag of chips for dinner if I let him.
One things for sure, big brother loves little sister and she is fascinated by him.
That’s it. What parenting things are happening for you? Fails and triumphs welcome.
Daddy thoughts 18- Reset button
