Daddy thoughts 5- New home, past feelings
Recently, my son has expressed feelings about not liking his
new home, wanting his parents to reunite, and to leave for what he considers
“home” We are adjusting to the new home that houses myself, my child, and my
partner. It is not as easy as I thought it would be for him, but it’s not
horrible either. It takes time to
adjust.
easy. I remember as a child both of my parents remarried and both of my new step-parents
were European American or white. It was not easy at first. We disagreed on
things like music. My Dad’s wife did not really dig hip hop too much. I
listened to all kinds of shit. Radical rhymes, misogynistic, violent, and
peaceful raps. I couldn’t understand why she wasn’t feeling LL’s “big ole
butt”. I get it now, but to me, I thought “why is she telling me what to
do?”. We never really resolved the
music issue, because she liked Mariah Carey and I detested Mariah (at the
time).
husband because he just acted so differently. For example, when we went to a
restaurant; if he did not approve of the food he simply sent it back or told
them “I’m not paying for this” or “I won’t eat this”. Growing up with just mom
and dad this was a no no! People might spit in your food, screw it up more,
etc. but really, I just had never heard someone speak that way. I was taught to
be extremely humble, to be quiet on certain things and food in restaurants was
one of them. I thought to myself “who does he think he is?!”.
distaste for Black Music, was not. Just a difference in appreciation, a hint of
patriarchy (women’s body parts vs women’s minds), and some miscommunication
about what a 10 year old should hear. Not sure what I’d say to my son about
“big ole butt” if he wanted to listen to it. And, with my step-father I
realized after subtracting white privilege from the equation that I too could
speak up for myself or voice my opinion. Humbleness is important, but I can
also speak up “with” respect. I probably would just steer clear of restaurants
I dislike if the food was bad, but the example could be used in other places. As for my son and my partner, he gives me most of his
disagreement or attitude. And for now I prefer that because it is my job to
parent him and discipline him. But, I chose to introduce my son to her because
she loves children, is comfortable with him, and treats him with respect and
love. And, I know he really likes her too, which is a relief.
Still,
I remember what it was like to think my parents breaking up was my fault. I was
only 7 when my parents divorced, but I remember the last few years were tough. I
thought that somehow my existence had broken their bond. I grew to hate making
decisions about who I wanted to spend my time with. At Mom’s or Dad’s? Like
this or that? Agghhh, I hated it. It made me feel uncomfortable, and it still
does now sometimes. But I know that they did the best they could looking back
on it. I wonder what I can do to make my son feel loved, comfortable, and
heard. He and I are so different emotionally and attitude wise. I was often too
scared to speak up to my parents as a kid. I’m glad that he lets me know when
he is unhappy or dissatisfied. I just want him to be happy and to know that even
if his mother and I live in separate homes, we are still a family. My solution so far has just been
reassurance, lots of talking and getting it out, and dealing with it right
there when he brings it up. Any of you experienced this as a kid or as a
parent?